Why is it when you think everything's been cleaned up you discover you're a mess again?

Its been a long fucking week.
I went into it confused about my current situation. I'm kinda sorta seeing this guy and while he's nice, its not anything serious nor would it ever be. But while its kinda been fun its missing something. Plus after seeing him on my drive home, I would really miss Dave which I'm kinda trying not to. And I'm trying to figure out if me and this guy would work at all. So I was trying to grapple with that and trying to figure out what the hell to do with it.

Well on Monday morning my Papa (Grandpa) went to the hostpital. At first it didn't seem to be anything to worry about, Papa's been to the hospital before and gone through a lot and always made it back out. Well as Monday wore on and we all sat in the hospital it, was apparent that this was proably it. And I was okay with that. On Tuesday morning my Dad called me and told me to get myself and my brothers to the hostipal. Papa was going to go and we needed to be there. So we came and sat with him and laughed and told stories and found him Opera music to listen to ( it was his favorite and we were supposed to watch La Traviatta on Monday). And while everyone else cried, I was the tissue dispenser. I couldn't cry, I have no clue why, I just couldn't. So I took care of everyone else the best I could. We got home and started to make arrganments and cook for Thanksgiving.

So that sucked. There's really no other way to put it. It just sucked. On Wenesday Mike ( my middle brother) and I tried to mitagate the suckage with some good friends. My best friend and a family friend ( they had called us about it). We went out in Milwaukee and it was a bad idea since the DD was a friend who I have a fucked up tension with and who has recently dated my best friend ( who still loves him ...and he doesn't feel the same way). And he doesn't deal with socailly fucked up situations well. Or really drunk people. So that was a mess.

Well late on Wenesday I talked to Dave, and for the first time all week I was able to allow myself to break down in front of someone. And its really bothering me. We've been talking as friends for a while now and it hasn't gotten werid yet and we're both trying to make sure it doesn't. Regardless, he was the person I allowed to comfort me and I have no clue why. And he managed to do a damn good job of it considering how far away he was.

Thanksgiving rolled around, and while I was really tired and hung over, I was really looking forward to it. All was well until I called home ( I needed to know what time dinner was so that the D&D contingent could make it to my house on time). At that point I found out my mother invited Sky over. Sky was a friend from High School whom I really can't deal with. She's had a rough life, but at the same time my family, and two others have really tried to help her. And she constantly makes these really bad decsions after we tell her that its a bad idea, i.e. marrying an ex sex offender and having a baby with him. She recently decided to leave after several really bad expriences but not until she found out she was pregant again. So her situation sucks, but I can't save her. She has to do that and so far she hasn't. Right now I'm just trying to keep myself afloat and I can't fix anyone else. She's also the ex of the above mentioned friend who dated my best friend. And while I didn't want to try and deal with her, he really didn't. So all of the sudden there was this God awful tension at dinner which until this year we had avoided. Thankfully she had to get to her own family celebration so it didn't last too long.

The worst thing about it is that I feel like such a bitch for being like "I can't save you." I wish I had the engry and the compasssion for that but I find that I lack it. I want to be able to fix it for her, but every time I have tried in the past its never worked.

So with Thanksgiving over I had day and then on Saturday we had Papa's funeral. Which was rough but good. And again I found myself unable to cry while the people around me were. It was a good service and a lot people came out to honor him. I just learned that he was the Village Adminstartor for the town I used to live in for about 23 years. And that he was well liked. So it made sense, and it was cool to see all these people that I hadn't seen for years.

And Saturday night I found myself on the phone with Dave again, and for those 2 hours I felt good again, like I wasn't a mess. And that scared me and made me feel good at the same time. We're close for better or worse, and I know it seems like for worse from the outside, but he's a friend. I mainly appricate the fact that he has no qualms about calling me on my shit and has the ablity to rationally point things out to me when I'm a little emotional about them. And he has talent for knowing what do or say when I'm falling apart. And I find myself missing him more and he feels the same way. We both know that nothing in our situation can change right now, we both need to get our shit together before that could even be a possablity.

It just sucks.

One good thing happend although my mother in her amazing ablity has made me feel like shit because it. I got I job working as a Props Assitant for a small company in Chicago. They can only pay me 150 dollars, but its not a full time gig or anything. I met with the Props Master today and we talked about it and I would be coming down on what is my current weekend. I can keep my job that I have and proably still have time to pick up another one. But I find myself wanting to travel, but I know I can't afford it. Or that I really should just save my money. There are two trips I want to make, one out to New York to see everyone that moved out there and one to Oregon to see the person that I proably shouldn't.

So I'm a mess. I can barely tell which way is up right now and it doesn't seem like its gonna get any easier any time soon.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Is steal this survey like steal this book and if so where is the part about getting free food??

So I'm taking Nicki's advice and stealing this survey.

1.Describe your favourite weather using a noun
Late night parking lot weather.

2.If you could be alive during any time period, which would you choose? Why?
There is one condition on the other time period thing, I get asprin. If I'm granted this condtion, I would proably say the period between 1660 and 1714, so much happened to change the world and the way we deal with it and percive it.

3.Your favourite line of poetry?
"I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied"
(John Masefield)

4.Book that you’ve read more than once:
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, I've read it so many times that i almost had it memorized as a kid.

5.Worst traveling memory.
It starts with a French rail stirke. Since I don't speak French I had no clue until a nice Frechman ( they do really exist) told me what was up. I caught a bus to Caen and crawled on a train to Paris ( I was trying to get to Belguim). This took until about 4 o'clock. I got to Paris and had to transfer stations ( the Gard du Nord to the Gard San Michel) but the rail strike extended to the metro so i had no clue how to get between the two stations. And then the information lady ( who was also on strike) was screaming Ferme/ Closed to me as I was trying to politley ask for help. Finally I looked her in the face and said "Its bad enough that I have to pay for my country fucking up right now ( it was May 2003) but I sure as hell don't feel like paying for yours fucking up as well." She looked at me stunned and the gentleman behind me cracked up. He helped me find a bus to the other train station and got me on the way (Wow two nice Frenchmen in one day. I got on a Belgium train and got into Ghent at about midnight and tried to call my cousin's cell phone. The number didn't work, so I called the local youth hostel, they were book so I called the other numbers I had in my guide book for loding. They were all booked. So i called the youth hostel back and begged for space in there lobby. They told me they couldn't but I could spend the night locked in the train station. This really didn't seem like a good plan, because a. I had all my shit on me and couldn't put somewhere safe and b. I was the only woman there with around 10 men. I told the people at the hostel that I really didn't feel safe doing that and they said that they couldn't help me. I hung up a yelled some choice words at the phone. At that time the station manager came by and took pity on me and helped me get a room for the night. The moral of this story is twofold I guess 1. Avoid the French rail system. 2. Book your room in advance. Wow that was a lot longer than I thought.

6.What fictional character do you most resemble?
I really don't know.... I'll get back to you on it.

7.Due to Bush not signing the Kyoto Treaty, the ice-caps have melted and the sea level has risen. What mountain range do you go live on?
The Watsatch in Utah, probaly up Logan Cayon maybe around White Pine Lake, one of my favorite camping spots. Plus at about 8,000 feet it hopefully won't be flooded.

8.If you had a daemon, what would it be? Name?
Hmmmmm.... either ferret or a bobcat. Maybe Roy.

9.Your favourite nail polish colour.
Deep Purple.

10.How do you express yourself creatively that pisses off the neighbors?
Since the neighbors are a little far off, right now I piss off my family by leaving works in progress on the kitchen counter to dry.

11.Dogs or cats?
Cats. Brillantly low mantience animals.

12.Did you think the Beast was less hot at the end of Beauty and the Beast?
Yes!

13.What’s your comfort food?
Pud Thai or oddly sushi (I've become an addict in the last year)

14.What song do you sing in the shower?
What ever CD I bring in.

15.Do you name your electronics? Do tell?
My car is Fred (It might be turning into Fredgar but I'll let you know if it does), My computer is Myths of Creation, and the iPod is The Podling.

16.Have you ever wanted to leave a show at intermission? What was it?
Yes. Our House. Bands need to stop trying to turn there song catalogs into shows.

17.Your favourite word?
“Ananas" German for Pineapple.

18.Do you wear lipstick? Where do you wear it?
Occasionaly. Whenever and wherever I damn well feel like it.

19.What’s your favourite part about your favourite holiday?
The random Risk games that break out after Thanksgiving Dinner.

20.What kind of music are you listening to right now?
Sufjan Stevens. A friend in Milwaukee introduced me to him and I'm slowly falling in love with the song Chicago.

21.Have you ever streaked?
Nope.

22.What’s your favourite way to travel?
Train. I still get to see things but I don't have to drive.

23.Have you ever gotten a scar from doing a load-in? Where and how?
Proably. I honstely don't remember.

24.Have you ever seen the aurora? How did it make you feel?
Yeah. In Stevens Point in October of 2004. Awestruck and at peace.

25.Your favourite way to end a piece of writing?
Kind of trailing off.

The survey strikes agian

I've been meaning to update, but right now it would just turn into a rant about why I'm not overly fond of Country Clubs. And I liked reading Nicki's and Amanda's surveys and well I've never done one... so... yeah.


3.Describe a typical Sunday for you:
Depends, if I'm not working get up around 11:00 get dressed, and watch football and knit.

4. Any odd routines you follow when you wake up?
The fact that I hit the snzoo button for about half an hour tends to piss people off.

5. If alcohol was banned worldwide, what would your reaction be?
I'd make my own.

6. When was the last time you cried?
September.

7. Your CD collection is going to be repossessed. You may keep one.
Take the CDs but if you touch the Podling you die.

8. Do you believe world peace is possible?
God I hope so.

9. I'm a genie. Name your wish. (Money and Love cannot be granted).
I had a job a theatre for an entire season (9 months or so) and I want an apartment.

10. Name one thing about the OPPOSITE sex that automatically turns you off.
Arrogance

11. Name one thing about the SAME sex that automatically turns you off.
An inablity to function.

12. Speaking of SAME sex, what do you think of Brokeback Mountain?
Good movie, good story.

14. Where are you?
In my kitchen.

15. Leatherface is in the kitchen. Will you fight to victory, or hide?
Who the fuck is Leatherface?

16. Do you feel that people underestimate you?
My friends and co workers no, People in authority yes.


17. When you're in a bad mood, what will always put you in a better mood?
Painting, making a mask, pounding the shit out of something.

18. Honestly, do you talk about MySpace in real life?
No myspace for Chris... its scary.

19. Have you met someone online in person?
Nope

21. Do you believe minimum wage should be raised?
Yeah come on.

22. If someone at a bar gives you "the look" how do you respond to it
What's the look?? The look of love, hatered, like you might be a good dinner... Really can we get a bit more spefic here.

23. Desperation happens. Do you take advantage of desperate people?
Not unless they're in my imedate family and then only as a joke,

24. Pretend you're 15 deep in beers. Describe what you would be doing now?
Passing out.

25. Does everyone in your life know the real you?
THe people who stick around do, but most no.

26. What is something you're afraid of?
Medicority, having a boring life.

27. Pretend you took a hit out of a bong. Describe what you would be doing now?
Passing it to my brothers.

28. Have you ever had a beer bong?
Not that I remeber.

29. You have two weeks to live. Would you tell anyone?
My folks, so the understand when I max the credit card on plane tickets.


31. A band you thought was cool when you were 15:
Savoy Brown

32. You have a nightmare, who's the first person you think to call?
No one.

33. Wanna have kids before you're 30?$
Not really. I'm cool with playing the crazy aunt, but that's about it.

34. A memory from high school?:
I really don't remember much of high school. I was a little on the boring side.

35. Ever had a crush on one of your friend's parents?:
Not that I can think of.

36. Naughtiest thing you've done at work:
Napped.

37. Do you look more like your mom, or your dad?
Mom.

38. Something you've always wanted to learn how to do:
Metalworking

40. Where you'd like to be in 10 years?
I have no clue where I'm gonna be in 10 months let alone years.

41. Something you learned about life:
I have nothing phliospical to say save that I've found cookies are good.


42. What do you want for your birthday?
Go backpacking in Southern Utah.

Bittersweet elections

So over all now that the elections are over I happy with the national results. We have a democratic majority in the house ( let's hope that they do something with it) and Rumsfeld is gone.

On the other hand I'm ashamed of my state and the way that the majority of my fellow Wisconsin citizens voted on both the Death penalty and the Civil Union ban. We have effectively shot our selves in the foot.

I'm upset because the Civil Union ban has screwed a disproporant amount of people over. And I'm confused namely because the people who voted for the ban are the ones who complain about the general promiscuity in our culture. If two people want to come together in a monogamous relationship what does it matter what sex they are. And the other thing that really annoys me is the fact that regardless of whether or not the ban passed gay marriage is illegal, this admendmant or lack thereof wasn't going change that. And the other bit of hyprocrsy was that this refereudum was sponsered by the party that was supposed to stand for less invasive goverment, which let's face it the Republican party does not.

The Death Plenalty being reinstated really pisses me off as well. For two reasons, 1. It doesn't derter the people commiting these crimes and 2. Its REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE. Do you know how much it cost to excute John Wayne Gacey ( a truly henious and repugnt human being)?? IT COST THE TAXPAYERS OF ILLINOIS 60 MILLION DOLLARS!!! That's to kill one man. Not only are there the montary costs but also it locks up the courts with the appeal process. I mean if your going to kill someone then you better give them the appeals but there are other things that I want our courts to be doing besides going through the appeals process for death row convicts. Like ruling that the Civil Unions ban is unconstitutional.

Well at least nationally things may be looking up.

Blah

That's what it feels like. I'm cool with it I just know I need to motivate myself to actually do things. I've been sending my stuff out and getting some response , which is great. I'm just really lazy right now I'm not very happy that I'm doing that. But I think that I'll busy soon enough with out realizing it. Its still odd not to have projects or classwork. I keep thinking I have to do it and I'm surprised when I don't have to. Well Yeah, I'll try and get motivated next week.