Monday, November 27, 2006

Why is it when you think everything's been cleaned up you discover you're a mess again?

Its been a long fucking week.
I went into it confused about my current situation. I'm kinda sorta seeing this guy and while he's nice, its not anything serious nor would it ever be. But while its kinda been fun its missing something. Plus after seeing him on my drive home, I would really miss Dave which I'm kinda trying not to. And I'm trying to figure out if me and this guy would work at all. So I was trying to grapple with that and trying to figure out what the hell to do with it.

Well on Monday morning my Papa (Grandpa) went to the hostpital. At first it didn't seem to be anything to worry about, Papa's been to the hospital before and gone through a lot and always made it back out. Well as Monday wore on and we all sat in the hospital it, was apparent that this was proably it. And I was okay with that. On Tuesday morning my Dad called me and told me to get myself and my brothers to the hostipal. Papa was going to go and we needed to be there. So we came and sat with him and laughed and told stories and found him Opera music to listen to ( it was his favorite and we were supposed to watch La Traviatta on Monday). And while everyone else cried, I was the tissue dispenser. I couldn't cry, I have no clue why, I just couldn't. So I took care of everyone else the best I could. We got home and started to make arrganments and cook for Thanksgiving.

So that sucked. There's really no other way to put it. It just sucked. On Wenesday Mike ( my middle brother) and I tried to mitagate the suckage with some good friends. My best friend and a family friend ( they had called us about it). We went out in Milwaukee and it was a bad idea since the DD was a friend who I have a fucked up tension with and who has recently dated my best friend ( who still loves him ...and he doesn't feel the same way). And he doesn't deal with socailly fucked up situations well. Or really drunk people. So that was a mess.

Well late on Wenesday I talked to Dave, and for the first time all week I was able to allow myself to break down in front of someone. And its really bothering me. We've been talking as friends for a while now and it hasn't gotten werid yet and we're both trying to make sure it doesn't. Regardless, he was the person I allowed to comfort me and I have no clue why. And he managed to do a damn good job of it considering how far away he was.

Thanksgiving rolled around, and while I was really tired and hung over, I was really looking forward to it. All was well until I called home ( I needed to know what time dinner was so that the D&D contingent could make it to my house on time). At that point I found out my mother invited Sky over. Sky was a friend from High School whom I really can't deal with. She's had a rough life, but at the same time my family, and two others have really tried to help her. And she constantly makes these really bad decsions after we tell her that its a bad idea, i.e. marrying an ex sex offender and having a baby with him. She recently decided to leave after several really bad expriences but not until she found out she was pregant again. So her situation sucks, but I can't save her. She has to do that and so far she hasn't. Right now I'm just trying to keep myself afloat and I can't fix anyone else. She's also the ex of the above mentioned friend who dated my best friend. And while I didn't want to try and deal with her, he really didn't. So all of the sudden there was this God awful tension at dinner which until this year we had avoided. Thankfully she had to get to her own family celebration so it didn't last too long.

The worst thing about it is that I feel like such a bitch for being like "I can't save you." I wish I had the engry and the compasssion for that but I find that I lack it. I want to be able to fix it for her, but every time I have tried in the past its never worked.

So with Thanksgiving over I had day and then on Saturday we had Papa's funeral. Which was rough but good. And again I found myself unable to cry while the people around me were. It was a good service and a lot people came out to honor him. I just learned that he was the Village Adminstartor for the town I used to live in for about 23 years. And that he was well liked. So it made sense, and it was cool to see all these people that I hadn't seen for years.

And Saturday night I found myself on the phone with Dave again, and for those 2 hours I felt good again, like I wasn't a mess. And that scared me and made me feel good at the same time. We're close for better or worse, and I know it seems like for worse from the outside, but he's a friend. I mainly appricate the fact that he has no qualms about calling me on my shit and has the ablity to rationally point things out to me when I'm a little emotional about them. And he has talent for knowing what do or say when I'm falling apart. And I find myself missing him more and he feels the same way. We both know that nothing in our situation can change right now, we both need to get our shit together before that could even be a possablity.

It just sucks.

One good thing happend although my mother in her amazing ablity has made me feel like shit because it. I got I job working as a Props Assitant for a small company in Chicago. They can only pay me 150 dollars, but its not a full time gig or anything. I met with the Props Master today and we talked about it and I would be coming down on what is my current weekend. I can keep my job that I have and proably still have time to pick up another one. But I find myself wanting to travel, but I know I can't afford it. Or that I really should just save my money. There are two trips I want to make, one out to New York to see everyone that moved out there and one to Oregon to see the person that I proably shouldn't.

So I'm a mess. I can barely tell which way is up right now and it doesn't seem like its gonna get any easier any time soon.

Thanks for letting me rant.


Nicki said...

Oh, Chris, be strong and hang in there. You're right--you can't "fix" anyone, and you're certainly in no place to be the shoulder for anyone to lean on right now. It's great that your family is able to come together at least and help one another through this time. I know what you mean about grandparents dying--yeah, sure they've lived a good lifeITSTILLSUCKS. But, as Shakespeare said, your father lost his father, and his father before him, and so on. Life has this crazy way of going on. Don't let your mom give you shit about shit theatre jobs: that's how you meet people who are willing to pay you. Just remember you did props for one whole summer without getting paid jack shit and now you're being paid. And call Dave if you need to. Not that I'm willing to admit that he exists, but if talking to him makes you feel better, then talk to him. And hold on. I'm thinking of you, and I can't wait to see you. ooooo

Matt said...

Sorry for your loss....Just keep your head up and moving forward. Namaste Matt :)

Zeze the X said...


Laura said...

Chris, I think you sound pretty strong. I don't think your a mess. Don't let anyone else judge what you and Dave are to each other. You can have a supportive relationship with your ex. It's allowed. Besides look at all the times Matt and Ben have broken up and gotten back together.
I'll say a prayer for your grandfather and I'm sorry for your loss. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for the reality of your not being able to save them. You're right that's something they need to do for themselves. Not that you're being selfish - because you're not - but the root of selfishness is sometimes Self Preservation. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself.