Monday, January 02, 2006

I really can't fucking stand this. I hate beign here. There is nothing at all for me here. My one friend has a kid so I can't even talk her about most this shit cause her concerns are around her kid. And she can't really relate to what I'm going through becuse her whole life is fastforwarded into someone in her thrities. SO we either talk about Ayden or books. And I like books but right fucking now I don't give a rats ass. There is nothing to do. I hate having this much free time cuase I have no clue what the fuck to do with it. And if i had money for gas I go visit people but I don't nad I'm down to a quater tank and I wasted about half of it just driving cause I had to get away from here. ANd in the end I just had to come back cause were the fuck else am I gonna go you know.
I know that what I really need to do is load my car and just pick a direction and start drving not really caring about the destination. I just need to start something new rather than being stuck in fucking limbo.

1 comment:

Nicki said...

Dear Chris: Calm down. We've all been there. We all know what it's like for home not to be home and to be anxious to be on our way. You're luckier than most because you're already eager to be on your way instead of sitting on your ass all summer not working and wondering why nothing's happening. (that would be me, by the way) Since I know you're leaving in a few days, here's what I would suggest doing: Things you're not going to be able to out West. For example, I can't bring my paints with me, so I did a picture while I was home here. Re-read some of your favourite books that aren't coming with you, or pick an actor and go rent all their movies from Family Video and have a film-fest. Write or draw your ideas in a journal and then take it with you. Your older self will thank you. Home isn't the enemy. It sucks to be in a holding pattern, but sometimes parts of life are like that. Sometimes you're moving, sometimes you're not. The point is, if there are no periods of rest, then the periods of change lose their meaning. So keep yourself busy (try re-reading some Brecht and keeping your mind fresh!) and don't worry. You're not going crazy. :)